As with any friendship, there are struggles and successes. If you're struggling, here are three principles that may be a helpful start.
The first principle would be to accept your current reality so that you have a foundation to begin. When we operate as though our friend can meet the expectations of non-struggling friends, we set ourselves up for disappointment and increase our friend’s chances of feeling like a failure. Setting realistic expectations based on how your friend's mental illness affects them gives both parties a chance to contribute to the relationship. Modified expectations don’t have to last forever. Mental illness is not stable; it moves and changes a person’s life. So, this acceptance may ebb and flow over years, months, and weeks as needed.
You can't modify expectations if you don’t know how your friend's mental illness impacts them, so the second principle would be to talk to them and know them as they are. Find out what their triggers are and how they react when triggered. Find out how their triggered responses affect you and your reactions - this way, the expectation of friendship is based on where you both are.
The third principle is to recognize the inevitable hurts that will affect the attachment bond and purposefully rebuild that bond when broken. People hurt people, but when struggling with mental health, the chances of hurt will likely go up. Understanding that hurts will come can normalize this experience when it happens. Communicating through these breaks in attachment helps to express needs not being met and adjust expectations for the future. Friendship, at its best, is a safe place, but when people are hurt, our natural response is to protect those vulnerable parts that are hurting. Protection usually looks like accusations, defensiveness, excuses, blaming, etc. If we find safety with other people in our support system, regulate our emotions, and process our feelings, we can re-enter the friendship and communicate in a non-confrontational way that encourages a reciprocal vulnerability rather than a defensive attack.
If you find yourself struggling to navigate this type of friendship on your own, remember that professional support is available. Reach out to Rebekah Wright Psychotherapy for guidance - you don't have to face these challenges alone.
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